erased

disrespect. anger. selfishness. regret. sadness. I am full of remorse and can't seem to stop. I'm an ongoing machine that lets the pistol shoot at whatever or whomever stands in it's way. In my way. My father. or the one who claims to be my biological father. He gets the bullet. has gotten hit twice from my direction. In addition to all the dozen or so he's already received from life. It's really sad how i see myself disrespect him and my mother. I judge them. I don't look up to them. They have no education. And it's really not their fault but i'm mad. and that makes me selfish. I feel selfless and lonely and helpless. I have no one. i run away from school because of stress. I run home to stress and a negative environment. i judge her. I am no one to judge her. I judge him. I am no one to judge him. My only sister doesn't love me anymore. I don't love her anymore.
stop me! it's rude. it's shameful. it's sad. it's breaking my family apart. it's breaking me apart. why am i so selfish? why am i so superficial? why can i not comprehend? i want to talk to him. i want to.  but his mere presence causes me stress and i feel too much negativity. it's rage. built up. i think. what else could it be? what other explanation could there be for my behavior?

sacrifices in the rain

today i learned a lesson. well actually i learned many little lessons compiled into one overall lesson. the rain is beautiful...it reminds me of how vulnerable humans are...it reminds me of touch. Just the simple wet droplets, thousands of them at a time. the sounds of splashing and crunching twigs and branches underneath my feet. the sound of nothing behind the smashing water on the concrete and the tiny rivers flowing down and underneath the tires of modern humanity. my skin, refreshed and alive it. It was almost out of life and moisture. It was almost out of hope. Strange feeling i get when i hear the rush of water storming down to earth. Strange feeling i get when i get touched with such coldness. My energy has risen, my mood has found hope, my life has been given a second chance. Just when all these emotions twirl in my mind and soul i get hit with the realization that people around me are sacrificing something much more important than simple days like these, if that makes sense at all.

parents. mothers. mother. my mother...do i really know her? or do i just know the woman who is 30 and not 48? do i know what she feels, thinks, learns, hates? do i know what her every day schedule is or what her favorite show to watch is? do i know how her day went today or yesterday or if she is struggling with anything be it school, work or her emotional life? why am i wasting precious time not getting to know her? i once told myself this long ago: one will never get to fully know a person because we are always growing and changing and learning about ourselves and our limits. our reasons and our emotions change through elapses in our life. it is quite amazing how i have changed in just a couple of months.

we all make sacrifices, even if they are minimal we make them and quite periodically. at least in my world. mothers, as we have all heard and surely know, are those humans who make the most and as i've come to realize, they make sacrifices from the time they give birth to the time of their death.

happiness. what is that truly? can it even be measured? can it be given a number? i know this is so ambigious but it really thought about it all makes sense..it's abstract. that's the point right? why am i asking so many questions now? well, i always ask questions, everyday. all day. my mind is a little question-production factory just waiting for some input, or the answers to come along and ship them out of my mind.

get to know your mother. ask her how her day was. and be genuine about it. Ask her what her dreams are and help her achieve them. When she grows distant, that is a cry of help that she is not well, so don't ignore it or say that it will pass. It is a forward loop where the hole keeps getting bigger and bigger and the pile of rubbish keeps piling up.

LOVE her with all your might and learn to make sacrifices for her. Learn to grow with her and learn from her. She is your one and only true teacher, companion, and greatest friend. Don't let her down. Make her feel what you feel when that rain touches your eyelids, forehead, cheeks, and lips. Have her drink your energy just like you absorbed the freshness of nature today. Heal her just how you were healed on this day.