erased

disrespect. anger. selfishness. regret. sadness. I am full of remorse and can't seem to stop. I'm an ongoing machine that lets the pistol shoot at whatever or whomever stands in it's way. In my way. My father. or the one who claims to be my biological father. He gets the bullet. has gotten hit twice from my direction. In addition to all the dozen or so he's already received from life. It's really sad how i see myself disrespect him and my mother. I judge them. I don't look up to them. They have no education. And it's really not their fault but i'm mad. and that makes me selfish. I feel selfless and lonely and helpless. I have no one. i run away from school because of stress. I run home to stress and a negative environment. i judge her. I am no one to judge her. I judge him. I am no one to judge him. My only sister doesn't love me anymore. I don't love her anymore.
stop me! it's rude. it's shameful. it's sad. it's breaking my family apart. it's breaking me apart. why am i so selfish? why am i so superficial? why can i not comprehend? i want to talk to him. i want to.  but his mere presence causes me stress and i feel too much negativity. it's rage. built up. i think. what else could it be? what other explanation could there be for my behavior?